by admin on April 28, 2011
Session 4: “I Can’t Get No Satisfaction”
The following blog was written by Sojourn members Chris and Kat French as a reflection on the Redeem: Marriage Conference that took place in April, 2011.
from Kat:
I really enjoyed this session (and not just because Chris and I were off the
Biblical Hot Seat of Personal Testimony!) There was so much good material covered, and I was so encouraged to see the subject addressed frankly and honestly among the Body.
Of all the materials in this session, I think the thing that had the most impact on me personally was the passage Robert and Karen shared about the husband offering to be his wife’s mirror, so she would always see herself as beautiful as he saw her.
In talking with Chris during the heart-talk time about it, I had a realization. Husbands, whether you offer to be it or not, you ARE the mirror your wife sees her body image through. If you make disparaging comparisons to other women, even “just joking,” or if you spend your sexual energy on pornography instead of pursuing her, it’s exactly as if you’re taping images of those women to her bathroom mirror with a note that says “You don’t measure up.” It’s hard to expect enthusiasm about lovemaking under those circumstances.
I’m so grateful to Sojourn, and to Pastor Robert and Karen, for sharing wisdom and how the Gospel should color every aspect of our lives, even (maybe especially) the marriage bed.
from Chris:
The big take away I got from this session was reflection. The thought that sex should be a reflection of perfect union with Christ and ultimate pleasure was something that had never occurred to me. I didn’t ever think that when I was internally complaining for whatever reason about the marriage bed that I was telling Christ that he wasn’t enough and that I was putting myself before him. Also the reading Karen shared about the mirror and how we as husbands can affect our wives body image by what we “reflect” to them in how we act towards them was very powerful. This led to the most tender conversation Kat and I have had in a while wherein I needed to confess that the mirror that I had been to her in the past was broken, but that God has fixed it and she could now look into it with all confidence in the reflection she would see.
by admin on April 28, 2011
Session 3: “Let’s Talk Heart to Heart”
The following blog was written by Sojourn members Chris and Kat French as a reflection on the Redeem: Marriage Conference that took place in April, 2011.
from Kat:
I’ll admit it: I’m a chatterbox. Poor Chris is lucky to get a word in edgewise when I really get going. Add to that the fact that Chris is the kind of guy who takes time to frame what he wants to say (and my own lack of patience), and our conversations can get pretty one-sided.
During the most difficult periods in our relationship, our conversation was very tactical. I was determined to pull him into the subjects I wanted to discuss. I wasn’t a loving student of my spouse; I was more like a police interrogator! (If I’d thought shining a bright light in his face would’ve made him open up more, I’d have probably emptied Walmart of halogen bulbs…)
The first Saturday session had some great information from Robert and Karen on how to be a good listener and how to ask good questions that will GENTLY and lovingly reveal your spouse’s heart. No floodlamps necessary.
from Chris:
Just to echo what Kat said, communication during the recovery part of our marriage was very tough. Again it was all about control. She wanted me to talk about certain things and so I would try to divulge just enough to be able to say I was in the conversation, but my fears made me want to not tell Kat things. This ranged from just about anything, money, details of my day, whatever. However, the single biggest way that God brought about change in our marriage was in the way we opened up our hearts to each other. It was scary and sometimes painful. It made me vulnerable. I didn’t like it at all. Also pursuing Kat’s heart by asking questions was difficult at times as well. Sometimes I could see she was hurting, and the last thing I wanted to do was to get into the mess with her. But I have learned that these can become some of the most precious and connecting times as I get the privilege of seeing my wife’s heart, in whatever state it may be at the time she is sharing, and getting to minister to her and show her God’s love through my words and actions.
by admin on April 28, 2011
Session 2: “YOU Need to Change”
The following blog was written by Sojourn members Chris and Kat French as a reflection on the Redeem: Marriage Conference that took place in April, 2011.
from Kat:
If it’s easy to see the speck in the eye of an acquaintance, while ignoring the plank in our own, I think that when it comes to your spouse, 
it feels like you can see the microscopic germs that are about to cause him/her pinkeye–and if there’s anything in your eye (doubtful), it’s probably because HE/SHE put it there!
I struggled for years to try to change the things about Chris that caused me discomfort or pain. Because neither of us like open conflict, our marriage was often a passive-aggressive battle for control. I thought I was “helping,” but it took some pointed and painful wisdom to get me to see how much my own self-centered, self-protective motives were getting in the way of God shaping his character to be more like Christ.
The second session of Friday night was full of the same kind of wisdom: painful to your ego and sense of self-importance, but vital to walking humbly alongside your spouse.
from Chris:
In this session Robert asked, “How did you want your spouse to change? How did God change you? How did God use the change in you to bring about change in your spouse?” The biggest way I wanted Kat to change was I wanted her to just let the past go. She was obsessed about recovery, reading books, wanting us to do these little exercises together, constantly questioning me about my past. I honestly felt like, “Hey I said I was sorry, can’t we just let this go and move on? Can’t we just sweep this under the rug and get on with our lives?” How crazy! At this point we obviously had a major issue with honesty and trust. Out of fear I tried really hard to control information, control conversations and hence was not being completely honest. As God showed me this about myself and I learned to lean on and trust in him more, I was able to slowly be more open and transparent with Kat. This change in me opened the door for the healing of the trust that had been broken to begin. As I became more open and honest, Kat seemed to not need to interrogate me the way she had been doing. So indirectly the change I wanted to see in Kat came through this change in me. It wasn’t how I wanted it, we didn’t just “sweep it under the rug and move on.” By God’s love we were able to work through these painful issues.
by admin on April 28, 2011
Session 1: A Match Made in Heaven
The following blog was written by Sojourn members Chris and Kat French as a reflection on the Redeem: Marriage Conference that took place in April, 2011.
from Kat:
I think almost all of us can relate to the way that our expectations and
view of marriage change, both over the years, and depending on whether
we’re looking at marriage through a gospel lens or not.
For Chris and myself, we’ve experienced some intense highs and lows over
our nearly 20 years of marriage. I think in the beginning, our vision
for marriage was largely an escapist one. At times, I know I was
incapable of looking further ahead than the difficult day I was
currently living through. But looking back in hindsight, God has been
with us through it all, always faithful to our marriage, even when
neither of us were faithful to Him.
When it comes to my vision of our marriage, the teaching on Friday night
encouraged me to look forward with the hopeful anticipation born of the
Gospel, and look back with eyes trained to search for God’s presence in
difficult and happy circumstances.
from Chris:
During our testimony time Robert asked Kat & I, “What was your vision for
yourself, your spouse, and for your marriage in the darkest moments of
your marriage? How did God redeem your vision for him first, then for
yourself and spouse, and your marriage?” As I reflected on this I
remembered that my vision for myself was just one of moving on. I felt
that my marriage was over, we had made a mistake, rationalizing that we
had married young and that ten years later we were completely different
people. God redeemed my vision for him by teaching me about grace.
Deep down I knew I was wrong for pursuing this other relationship
outside my marriage, but I felt that the die had been cast and there was
no hope. Not only for my marriage, but no hope for me because of the
decisions I had made. Through Christian counseling and community God
showed me that his grace covered my sin if I would just turn away and
repent. I began to see the loving savior and not just the righteous
judge. Because of this forgiveness God’s love began to open my eyes and
soften my heart toward my wife and gave me a desire to take the steps
to recover what I had broken. My wife and my marriage then became
something I desired again, and I longed for it to be made whole.
by robertcheong on June 8, 2010
Right after receiving a “Happy 50th Birthday” text from my precious wife, my good friend Pastor Mike Wilkerson was the first one in Haiti to wish me a happy birthday … he confessed that my wife reminded him to do so! I felt loved anyway! I was thankful to not only wake up to another day with Christ, but the Lord had given me 50 years!
I passed on the goat stew and onions over rice for breakfast, knowing I had to preach later in the afternoon. This was a big day of teaching as we planned on encouraging and reminding our fellow Haitian pastors of God’s gracious gift of faith, hope, and love through Jesus Christ and His finished work on the cross. We prayed that God would use this second day of the conference to deepen and widen the pastors’ understanding of the gospel for not only for their everyday lives but in their time of need in light of the earthquake’s massive destruction. We prayed for the pastors to be renewed and strengthened in the gospel so that they would be able to go back to their towns to minister the gospel to their people in deeper and more relational ways.
The morning started with a surprise as Thomas Kim, the executive director of Churches Helping Churches shared with all of the pastors that today was my 50th birthday and they all sang Happy Birthday to me-I think it was in English?! God blessed the entire day of worship as the Haitians belted out hymns from
memory, despite the different denominations represented. When I commented to one translator that all of the pastors knew these hymns by heart, he explained that with the extreme poverty, each family would purchase one hymn book and they would bring it for their Sunday gatherings, but everyone in the family would end up memorizing the hymns-this was a beautiful example of how poverty yields a beautiful blessing! I was so moved by the worship as the chapel “shook” from the thunderous and passionate singing as every pastor sang with great conviction in spite of their extreme suffering. In like manner, during Pastor Justin Holcomb’s sermon, we felt an actual aftershock that lasted for only a few seconds-this slight tremor gave me a sober reality check of what the Haitian’s experienced-I can’t imagine! But the pastors didn’t run or react, so we took our cues from them!
I had the privilege of preaching about God’s love on my birthday! My sermon, entitled, “Great Love in Great Suffering,” was taken from 1 John 4:7-21. I prayed that the Lord would help His people to see and understand His love for them and to remind them that His love is based neither on their subjective feelings or perspective, nor on their life circumstances. In fact, God’s love is not defined by us in any way. But by His Spirit, we know God’s love (vv. 7-11), we live in His love (vv.12-16), and we grow in His love (vv. 17-21) as we live in Christ. God’s love is declared most personally and concretely in the suffering and sacrifice of His Son Jesus Christ:
9This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him. 10This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. (1 John 4:9-10)
During a Q&A time that followed the teaching sessions, a pastor shared that he had taught the 1 John 4 passage many times, but he never saw the connection that his failure to love made him a hypocrite. He went on to share that the Lord convicted him deeply about being a hypocrite-he was referring to the point I made that growing in God’s love drives out hypocrisy (cf. v. 20), “If anyone says, “I love God,” yet hates his brother, he is a liar. For anyone who does not love his brother, whom he has seen, cannot love God, whom he has not seen.” He shared very openly and honestly that he was bitter against a friend who distributed relief aid to surrounding churches, except to him and his church. I praised God not only for the Spirit’s conviction but also for compelling the pastor to share transparently before his fellow pastors.
Mike Wilkerson and I skipped dinner as he debriefed the small group leaders. As the meeting progressed with many questions and demands for training, I began to question whether we promised too much in the area of equipping the pastors for gospel counseling, given that we had limited time, resources, and the inherent challenges of translation over a span of only two and a half days. I expressed my discouragement and burn out during our debrief meeting with the American team, knowing that I still had to lead two practical skills training sessions the next day. But the Lord faithfully restored my perspective and sense of hope during our prayer time, along with a good night’s rest during a cool night. God reminded me that we live in the midst of a relentless spiritual battle and that I need to keep clinging to my Christ.
